How to Speak Up Without Blowing Up

By Yaacov Weiss, LCSW

He came into my office with a look that told me he had a realization brewing.

“I noticed something this week,” he said. “When everything is going fine — at work, with my friends — I let things slide. I feel fine, so I don’t speak up. But when something goes wrong, like it did this week, I swing to the opposite extreme. I blow up. And then, once it’s over, I go right back to saying nothing again.”

It was a familiar story. I asked him what happened this week.

“At work,” he began, “my boss keeps adding more to my workload. I tell myself, ‘It’s fine, I can handle it.’ Weeks go by. The list grows. I still don’t say a word. Then yesterday, I snapped. I told him he’s unreasonable, that he doesn’t value me… I unloaded on him. Then afterward, I felt bad, I apologized — and I’m back to being quiet for probably the next few months, until it happens again.”

I told him what I’ve seen many times before — the passive–aggressive pendulum.

On one end of the swing is passivity: holding back, avoiding conflict, tolerating situations that don’t sit right. On the other end is aggression: unleashing frustration once it’s built up beyond control. People who live on this pendulum aren’t bad people. Most often, it’s because they haven’t yet learned the fine art of diplomacy — the ability to stand up for themselves without attacking the other person.

That skill is called assertiveness.

By definition, assertiveness is the ability to express your needs and wants clearly and respectfully, without being passive and without being aggressive. It’s the middle ground — calm but firm. It’s not about overpowering the other person, but about making space for yourself in the conversation.

I told him, “Standing up for yourself without attacking requires vulnerability. You have to be willing to say, ‘This is what I need’ or ‘This is what doesn’t work for me.’ And for a lot of people, that feels very uncomfortable. So instead, they wait until they’re so fed up that their words come out as an attack.”

He nodded. “That makes sense. I think I avoid saying anything because I don’t want to feel awkward. But then when I’m angry, I don’t care anymore.”

Exactly. For many, anger becomes the only fuel strong enough to push them out of passivity. But anger-driven communication rarely builds bridges. It often damages them.

We talked about why assertiveness can feel so risky. It’s because it requires you to put your cards on the table before the other person has “forced your hand.” You’re showing where you stand, which opens you to rejection, disagreement, or disappointment. And yet, the irony is that this kind of vulnerability, handled well, is often what creates more respect and stronger relationships.

“So what’s the alternative to the pendulum?” he asked.

The answer: learn to speak up earlier, while you’re still calm. Address the issue before resentment builds. Keep your words focused on your own needs, rather than on attacking the other person’s flaws. For example:

• Instead of: “You’re always dumping extra work on me! ”Try: “My current workload is full. I would like to discuss priorities before I take on more.”

• Instead of: “You never listen to me! ”Try: “I’d like to share my view, and I'm asking you to please hear me out.”

Assertiveness isn’t natural for everyone, but it’s a skill that can be learned and practiced. Start small. Speak up in low-stakes situations. Build the habit of voicing your needs without waiting until you’re boiling over.

He left the session with a new goal — not to stop feeling frustrated, but to stop letting frustration be the only reason he speaks up.

Because life doesn’t have to swing between silence and shouting. There’s a middle ground — and it’s called assertiveness. And like any art, the more you practice it, the better you get.