"Is There Something Wrong With Me?"

By Yaacov Weiss, LCSW

He came into my office looking unsettled.

“I didn’t go to my cousin’s Bar Mitzvah last night,” he said. “And I don’t know… is there something wrong with me that I didn’t even want to go?”

The way he asked the question told me he already thought the answer was yes and he was hoping I’d explain what exactly was wrong with him and how he could fix it.

So I asked him, “Why do you think you should have gone?”

He thought about it and said, “It would’ve been nice for my father and grandfather to have me there. And my uncle — the father of the Bar Mitzvah boy — he’s always been good to me. He’s done me favors in the past, which I have hakaras hatov for.”

Then he added, “I’m going to see this same uncle tonight at a wedding, and it’s going to be awkward. I was obviously aware of this yesterday, but still, I didn't go.”

He made a strong case. Logical. Moral. Relational. But something had still stopped him.

“What made you not want to go?” I asked.

He didn’t hesitate. “Bar Mitzvahs are long and drawn out. There are speeches. I feel trapped. I never know what to say to the people sitting next to me. I just feel awkward the whole time.”

I nodded and told him that this also made sense. His reasons for going were valid — and so were his reasons for not wanting to go. As we spoke, he began to hear his own inner dialogue more clearly, noticing how he had gone back and forth, stacking arguments on both sides.

I pointed out that what he was describing sounded like an internal conflict.

I offered him a framework and asked if he was open to it. He was.

I explained to him that often when we have a dilemma, there are two internal competing voices. To make things simple, we will call them the Manager and the Protector.

The Manager's job is to constantly monitor and manage ones emotional state. His job is to ensure our emotional comfort. He tells us to avoid anything that might make us uncomfortable and to embrace things that make us comfortable. He says, Avoid what feels awkward. Stay safe. Don’t put yourself in situations that make you nervous.

Then there’s the Protector. His job is to make sure we are strong, responsible, and taking care of ourselves. He doesn’t really care if we're comfortable or not— instead he cares about something else entirely- our success. He asks, What kind of person do you want to be? What’s the right thing to do here? Will this lead to you being a more successful person?

We applied it to the Bar Mitzvah. The Manager clearly wanted him to stay home — avoid the awkwardness, the boredom, the feeling of being stuck. The Protector, on the other hand, had been nudging him to go — for family, for showing gratitude, for his own self-respect, and even because avoiding it would only make the next day more uncomfortable.

As he listened, he nodded slowly.

“The Manager won.” I suggested. “But you’re not happy about it. You wanted to be able to do what you believed was right, which is why you’re bringing this up today. The Protector's voice is still ringing in your ears. He's asking you to figure out how to be able to pay attention to him, so that next time you have a similar dilemma, perhaps you will be able to follow his voice and choose the "right" thing over the "comfortable" thing.”

He was intrigued. "I think I’ve spent most of my life ignoring my Protector and letting my Manager win. I avoid discomfort like the plague. But I also don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. So, how do I give the Protector more power?”

I was glad he asked that question. It showed motivation to consider an alternative way of acting and/or reacting. “As it turns out, one of ways to access that part,” I told him, “is by focusing on your self-worth. A belief that you matter so much— that you are worth bearing through some discomfort in order to get your higher needs met."

I shared something I’ve seen repeatedly in my work: the more focused a person is on their discomfort, the less they can access their sense of value. And the more anchored they are in their value, the less dominant the discomfort becomes. The two are tightly linked.

He sat quietly, letting it sink in.

We spoke about how self worth means taking yourself seriously, believing that you are worthy of working hard for and investing in. When you see yourself as someone worth caring about, you act accordingly — even when it’s hard. You learn to accept the discomfort as a small price to pay for your success.

Before he left, he asked, "How do I really start believing in myself on that level and be able to stick with it?"

I smiled. It was the right question.

There’s no shortcut, I told him. This kind of shift takes work- it is the work that I'd be happy to continue with you in upcoming sessions." 

At the end of our session, he walked out a little more grounded.

There was nothing officially “wrong” with him. He just needed to begin believing that he is important  and worthy enough to go out of his comfort zone for.

He had a map.

Now the work would be learning how to follow it.