When 10% Feels Like 100%

By Yaacov Weiss, LCSW

He sat across from me, shoulders slumped, eyes down. I could feel the heaviness before he even spoke. I was surprised because the previous session had ended on a high.

We had been working on self-esteem issues and helping him find ways to feel good about himself. And he seemed to be slowly improving. He also had a weight issue which was being addressed separately by a weight reduction counselor.

“The diet,” he said flatly. “It’s over. I blew it.”

In the previous session, he had shared with me—almost proudly—that he had managed to stick to a diet for over a week. That was big for him. Recently, his attempts lasted no more than a few days before collapsing. But this time, he had been hopeful. He believed maybe, just maybe, it would stick. He was even test driving it to see if this could be his kabbalah for Rosh Hashana.

But then came the wedding the night before our session. He described it like a dam bursting. “I lost it,” he admitted. “I’m close with the Chosson so I got there for the Kabalas Panim. There was good food, I was very hungry. And that was it- I thought about it for maybe a second and then just dug in”.

Now he sat before me crushed.

“I can never stick to a diet,” he said bitterly. “Every time, it’s the same story. A few days, maybe a week, and then I fall apart. I thought this time was different. I thought I could control myself. But I definitely can’t. My whole life is just failure after failure.” He leaned back, shook his head and closed his eyes. 

Once he began, the spiral deepened. He began to dismiss nutritionists, therapists, and the whole self-help world. “It’s all a scam,” he insisted. “Nothing works. What’s the point of all this self esteem stuff if I can’t even stop myself from eating. I really don't think anything will work for me. I’m lost.”

The irony is that he has many strengths that are undeniable. He is highly intelligent, creative, caring, generous and responsible. But none of that counted for him. All he could see was another attempt to lose weight and another failure. He felt like an abject loser. And nothing else mattered.

“I notice that you are very focused on this weakness of yours, almost to the exclusion of everything else”, I pointed out. “Like yeah, why, you think I shouldn’t be?” he responded. “If I can't even get this right then what’s the point of everything else?” 

“Well, think about yesterday, you had a whole day in which you did all kinds of things, many of them I assume were quite positive and then in the evening you went to a Chasuna and had a difficult 2 to 3 hours in which you caved in. Does that undo all the good you accomplished that day? You also had a good 2 weeks in which you controlled yourself and stuck to the diet, does the 2-3 hours where you lacked self control undo all that? Is it fair to define the past 2 weeks by an event that took a short amount of time.” As I talked, I could see him emerging from his slump, so I pressed on, “And think about yourself, you are a multifaceted person with many strengths- and grant it, a weakness. Is it fair to define yourself by your worst weakness? This is not all you are!” He sat up and leaned forward.

I decided to introduce him to the 90/10 rule: Typically we are strong in 90% of the major categories of importance in our lives and 10% weak. Instead of being all consumed by our few weaknesses, we should spend 10% of our energy overcoming our weaknesses, and 90% on building our strengths.

“Think about it,” If all your focus is on what’s wrong with you, you’ll feel like your whole life is a failure. But if you pour your energy into your talents, your character, your passions — you will feel successful. And from that place of strength, you may have the resilience to work on the weaknesses without being crushed by them.”

He sat with that for a while. His face softened.

“I never thought of it like that,” he admitted. “I’ve been living as if my weight issue is everything.”

“Exactly,” I said. “But you’re so much more than that. We all have weaknesses and that includes me. Your weight is one small piece of the puzzle. It’s not the whole picture by any means. When you start seeing your whole self including all the strong parts, the good parts, the parts that matter — that’s when change begins to feel possible.”

At the end of the session, I asked him to name some of his strengths. At first, he struggled. But then the list grew: “I show up to seder, I learn well, I’m generous with people. I’m creative. I’m reliable.”

For the first time that day, I saw something flicker in his eyes — pride.

The truth is, no one becomes great by obsessing over what they’re worst at. They grow by maximizing what they’re best at and letting that strength spill over into the weaker places.

You don’t have to define yourself by your struggles. You can choose to be defined by your strengths — and still leave space to work on the rest.

*Details may have been changed.