When Progress Feels Like Failure

By Yaacov Weiss, LCSW

Shortly after Sukkos, my client walked into session looking exhausted — the kind of tired that isn’t about sleep.

“The zman started two days ago,” he said, sinking into the chair. “And I already feel like I’m falling apart.”

He told me what happened. He’d gone to the chavrusa tumult relaxed, confident. He thought everything was in place — same chavrusas, same schedule. He just wanted to schmooze with the boys and ease into the new zman.

Then he ran into his first seder chavrusa from last zman. “He told me, just like that, that he found someone else to learn with.”

He looked down. “I felt like someone pulled the floor out from under me. One minute I was calm, the next — my head was pounding, my thoughts were spinning, I couldn’t even think straight. My chavrusah dumped me just like that. I felt like a loser. Everyone else had a chavrusah and I didn’t.”

He tried to find a new chavrusa but was embarrassed asking around. “It’s not just about finding someone,” he said. “It’s putting myself out there — looking like a nebach. I hate that but I did my best.”

By the time he came in, he had already found a replacement and said the new chavrusa was fine, maybe even good. But he was still reeling. “I don’t get it,” he said. “It’s been two days and I still can’t calm down. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat. It’s like my whole system went haywire. I am also upset with myself, If I can lose it over something this small, then maybe I’m not really getting better.”

I could hear the frustration — and the fear beneath it. For him, this wasn’t just about a chavrusa. If one small disruption could shake him this badly, what did that say about him?

He looked at me, searching. “So… am I just back to square one?”

I let his question hang for a moment. “You had a shock,” I said softly. “that anyone would get thrown off by. But that doesn’t mean you’re back to zero.”

He looked skeptical. “Then why does it feel like that?”

“Because that’s how it works when we are triggered,” I said. “When something hits the same emotional nerve that's been hit repeatedly, the mind and body react like it’s the same crisis all over again. But that’s not the full story.”

He frowned, waiting.

“Remember when we first started,” I said, “when much smaller things sent you spiraling for weeks? With this, although you were in crises mode, you actually managed to work to find a chavrusah and you’re sitting here two days later talking about it, and not hiding it. That means you've made progress. And, my guess is that by the time we are done with this session, you will be almost if not fully back to yourself.”

He sat back, quiet. His face softened. I could almost see the thoughts settling.

After a minute, he nodded slowly. “So… it’s not about never getting triggered again?”

“No,” I said. "Triggers are real and we all get them from time to time. What we are aiming for is to see a reduction in three key areas- intensity, frequency and duration, but we do not expect to get rid of them altogether.”

He smiled faintly. “That actually makes sense.”

"Yes, its about falling less often and when we do, recovering faster", I added.

When he left, I thought about how many people unfortunately dismiss their progress because they still get triggered. But getting triggered doesn’t mean someone is broken. Often, the only thing it means is that they are human.